Amazon Adventure

Flash Nonfiction by Pam Munter

There are very few benefits coming from the first days following open-heart surgery but one of them is that friends and family send flowers, cards and warm messages. Two days after coming home, a gorgeous bouquet of roses arrived from Amazon with no card, so I called to find out who sent them. Ten minutes and several explanations and reconnections later, I repeated my dilemma to a woman I could barely understand. She laughed after nearly every word. Following several attempts to get her to understand my Signal Corps, spell-lettering of the code, she demanded all my account info.

ME: This isn’t about me or my account. It’s about who sent the flowers. I didn’t send them to myself. How could there be anything nefarious about this?

GIGGLER: Oh, I see. Can you give me your email?

ME: (deep breath) Sure. (I reluctantly comply, then comes a request for my address. Now, Amazon is hardly a stranger at my house, delivering a myriad of mostly unnecessary items at least weekly.)

GIGGLER: Can you read  back that bar code again, please?

ME: (About ready to hang up, hoping the giver will eventually come forth and confess. I’m exhausted. I slowly read off the damned code again.)

GIGGLER: Do you have a family member who might have sent this?

ME: Oh, it’s a guessing game. Is that a clue? It’s a family member?

GIGGLER: I can’t tell you outright but I can confirm.

ME: This isn’t an ICE investigation into my family tree, is it?

GIGGLER: (This unleashes a torrent of laughter but the interrogation now seems like it’s going on way longer than the Census) Do you have a sister?

ME: I had no idea I would have to compete to get the info. How many guesses do I get? Does the name start with an M? (Wait. It occurs to me I have several friends who are also candidates. Let’s see…I run through the names of a few relatives who might do something this generous. Some are so distant I don’t think they know where I live. I venture a guess.). My cousin, Al?

GIGGLER: No, that’s not it. Sorry. Don’t you have a sister?

ME: (She’s insistent I have a sister. Should I apologize because I don’t have a sister? And why don’t I want to tell her that? I conclude it’s from a woman. I reach into the second tier of likely relatives and venture a wild guess: my brother, whose last name is not the same as mine.)

GIGGLER: (obviously thrilled beyond reason, trilling with joy) That’s it! You got it! You got it!

ME: (I look around for streamers dropping from my living room ceiling) What do I win? Another anonymous bouquet? A new car?

GIGGLER (near hysteria now) You guessed it right. Oh, I’m so glad to have been of service, Mrs. Munter. I’m sending you a text so you can rate my service today.

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Pam Munter has authored several books including When Teens Were Keen: Freddie Stewart and The Teen Agers of Monogram and Almost Famous. She’s a retired clinical psychologist, former performer and film historian. Recently, her essays, book reviews and short stories have recently appeared in more than 130 publications. She is the nonfiction book reviewer for Fourth and Sycamore. Her play, “Life Without” was nominated for Outstanding Original Writing by the Desert Theatre League and she has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Pam has an MFA in Creative Writing and Writing for the Performing Arts, her sixth college degree. Her memoir, As Alone As I Want To Be, was published in 2018 by Adelaide Books. Her work can be found at http://www.pammunter.com.